The timing for making amends varies from individual to individual and situation to situation. In 12-step programs, making amends typically occurs after completing Steps 1 through 7, which lay the foundation for self-awareness and the willingness necessary for genuine amends. Rushing into amends before you’re ready can cause more harm than good. Making amends represents one of the most challenging yet rewarding aspects of recovery. If you’re ready to begin this process, start by taking inventory of the harm you’ve caused.
If appropriate, you can let the person know how amends are related to staying sober. However, your primary goal should be to acknowledge that you have done wrong and would like to make up for it. Practice accepting others’ responses to your efforts and remember that you have done all you can.
- As AA’s Big Book states, “We cannot buy our own peace of mind at the expense of others.” The person’s response and well-being must be carefully considered.
- This section should outline specific actions you’re willing to take to rectify the situation and prevent it from happening again.
- The FHE Health team is committed to providing accurate information that adheres to the highest standards of writing.
- Making amends is about your integrity and your commitment to accountability, not about achieving a specific outcome.
Steps 8 And 9: Making Amends In Recovery
It’s about demonstrating, through actions, your understanding of the harm caused and your sincere intention to mitigate it. The Native Americans understand that restorative justice was a process of accountability and repair that heals the entire community. Judaism has a yearly practice of accountability and apology to those whom you have harmed with your actions. One of the best parts of making direct amends is repairing trust and building a stronger relationship with that person going forward.
Rather, it means accepting that you’re capable of change and worthy of moving forward. Once you make that commitment you put it into action in the eighth step where you make a list to all the people that you harmed during your addiction. Once you have taken the time to reflect on all that you have wronged and made that list, you are ready to reach out and start the process of making amends. When making an AA amendment, it’s important to apologize sincerely, be humble, accept responsibility for your actions, admit fault, change your behavior, and make an effort to rebuild trust.
Before you decide who to approach and how you’ll proceed, reflect on your recovery efforts and your intent behind this step. Some people will be easier to approach than others due to the relationship you have with them, how close you live to them, or other factors. Join the Sober Sidekick community today, a place where your experiences are valued, your efforts recognized, and your resilience celebrated.
The actions we take here should be aimed at healing and reconciliation. We must also consider the potential impacts on all involved parties. This crucial nuance in the language underscores that your actions should promote healing, not inflict further harm or distress. “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”
AA Steps 8 and 9 work together as a two-step sequential process that aims to repair personal relations affected by excessive drinking. Changes Healing Center is here if you need additional support besides your sponsor. We offer intensive outpatient programs that are good step-down options, especially if you feel you might relapse, as well as detox and residential programs.
No two situations are exactly the same, so it’s important to tailor your letter to fit the specific circumstances. Personalization shows that you’re not just following a formula, but genuinely considering the other person’s feelings and the unique elements of the situation. Reflection is crucial for personal growth and understanding. It sets the stage for an authentic, well-thought-out letter.
Direct amends is typically performed in person and face-to-face whenever possible. If you broke someone’s window one night when you were angry and had too much to drink, you should try to speak with them in person, apologize, and make amends. Making amends should include fixing the issue you caused—either replacing the window or reimbursing them for what they had spent repairing the window. If you don’t have the money to fix the past problem, then talk honestly to your friend about it. Ask if there’s anything else you can do to help make it right. Before Step 9, one completes the Step 8 inventory, listing people they’ve harmed and developing a willingness to make amends.
Sometimes the person you need to make amends with is yourself. You might have ignored your own needs, stayed too long in a harmful situation, or acted against your values because you didn’t know better at the time. If you’ve engaged in those behaviors, the other person’s safety and autonomy must come first. That often means accepting the end of the relationship and seeking professional help to address the underlying issues, not attempting reconciliation. You can still complete your part of making amends by changing your behavior and not repeating the harm with others. Personal growth doesn’t require the other person’s participation.
Our AA Step 8 Worksheet can help you in the making direct amends process. Some need a little extra support, as Step 8 can be one of the most regret-inducing steps of the recovery process. You can make another list of people that include more difficult amends. That might involve old friends you haven’t spoken to in a long time because of how badly you hurt them or people who don’t live near you, so making amends in person won’t be possible. Finally, make a list of all the people you don’t think you can or should make amends to. If your amends are going to injure or harm someone, don’t make them.
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It is equally important that you genuinely stop and listen to the other person. Even if you want to justly or correct, allow them the right to express their read more at https://thesecret-meet.com/ experiences, feelings and thoughts about the harm. If you have a reaction to their feedback, pause and just listen then share your thoughts about this with your support system, therapist or sponsor. Making amends in recovery means taking concrete action to repair harm caused during active addiction.
Tips To Work Your Way Through Step 9
Revisit the list you made in Step 8 and always remember that step 9 often unfolds in phases as you advance in your recovery journey. Pace your desire to make things right with how prepared you are to deal with past conflicts with a positive outlook. Don’t rush through the step with urgency, yet don’t avoid making amends. If you are asking yourself how can I make amends that sound genuine and are well received, it is important to remember you can only control what you say, not a person’s reaction. There are gray areas when it comes to this process and you don’t want to cause additional harm to those who depend on you. Remember that keeping personal safety boundaries must always be prioritized.
